Lady of the Glitter
by dark energy
Summary: A good midget is corrupted by the wicked powers of glitter, and her friends go on a quest to stop her. However, they are shortly interrupted by.... Just read the story.
1. A Brief Introduction

The Lady of the Glitter 

 Being a glorious tale of friendship, of betrayal, of hope, and of some really stupid people.

Being a compiled series of thoroughly imaginary events based off of thoroughly deranged ideas and thoroughly deranged real events, and edited by the most profoundly sentient and most remarkably humble midget Priya.

_One glitter to get them all_

_One glitter at the mall_

_And in the brightly lit hall_

_Make them fight...at the mall._

***

The Fellowship of the Glitter 

Being the first installment in the glorified series detailing the Wars of the Glitter.


	2. The Danada Incident

2,000 hours ago in the distant land of Danada Town Square:

The good midget Beth was headed to a delightful lunch with her friends at Noodles & Company when she saw a strange glow from a nearby store: _BATH AND BODY WORKS_.  The sign glowed evilly, emanating a strange green light that seemed to pulse with every movement.  Beth sensed something was wrong, but naïvely—and stupidly—suspected no evil could be at work within the deep recesses of Bath & Body Works.  She edged closer to the entrance, feeling a sudden desire to step within and sniff all that was shiny.  However, Beth felt a sudden sense of wrongness; perhaps it was the cloaked figure with cadmium blonde hair standing outside the entrance.  Before the midget had time to react, someone stepped out of the sinisterly darkened entrance and smiled at her warmly, inviting her to sample a new product created out of dark and distant factories in the east.  Unable to say no to anything that looked like it was alive—another consequence of having a haywire maternal instinct—Beth allowed her feet to lead her into the store, and consequently into the evil of those terrible eastern lands.

Beth was impressed by the scented varieties and shininess of the product the minions (a.k.a. salespeople) called _glitter_.  She sniffed some again and felt an odd, yet pleasant, sort of head rush that made her mind immediately shut down and allow the extreme girly (and thankfully generally repressed) side of her to take over all mental and physical functions, particularly those involving shopping and thinking—or rather lack of it.  Unable to resist the call of the evil product now that she had the urge to buy all things makeup-related, Beth pulled out her money and spent more than half buying the scented glitter, fortunately saving enough to buy some food for a starving evil midget.  Making the purchase felt oddly pleasant; the salesperson smiled at her in a manner that indicated she had done something extremely good, so Beth knew she would be coming back for more.  Her hands kept desperately reaching to unscrew the cap on the substance of evil (a.k.a. glitter), but Beth managed to resist the desire until she reached a safe distance from the looming eyes of the many people inside (most likely lured just as she had been).  When she opened her very own bottle, a gargantuan yellow light engulfed her and brightened the speckles she was rolling on her skin, causing her to squint slightly but then stare hungrily at the play of light illuminating her pastry—pasty (though non-Victorian) skin.  After all, Beth had just stepped outside.

Meanwhile, the mostly kind and helpful friends of Beth were becoming worried about her fate.  After all, Priya was threatening to eat them unless they ordered quickly, and Jennifer and Andy were afraid of having large chunks ripped out of their skin and swiftly entered into someone's digestive tract (Priya was hinting this fate very strongly).  Actually, Andy didn't really want to hear any more detailed descriptions of how he would have his epidermis, dermis, and finally the subcutaneous layer—along with several million cells—painfully torn off and skewered on a fork unless they found a table to sit at.  Feeling slightly nauseated, Jennifer decided they had to do something to prevent Priya from describing just how delicious eyeballs could be; the friends had already heard quite a bit of how Jell-O ish eyeballs could be, except with a stronger, richer flavor of course.

Jennifer sighed.  "I'll go check outside," she acquiesced.  Priya finally smiled, although a glint of I'm-going-to-roast-your-eyeballs (along with I'll-savor-every-bite-I-take-of-your-mortal-flesh) remained in her diabolical and highly satanic brown eyes.  "Don't take too long, Jenn," she advised in an unnaturally kind tone that seemed to hint at further death threats.  Andy merely ignored the two semi-midgets and stroked his beautiful, shiny, and fingerprint-obscured driver's license, pretending he couldn't see how much he resembled a Percy.  Truthfully, he was trying to pretend none of them existed, but as he still couldn't bend a spoon, Andy felt safer just staring brainlessly (not that he ever stared intelligently…) at his gorgeous little driver's license.

Walking outside, Jenn shut her watering eyes away from the terrible ultraviolet glare of the midday sun, and managed to squint across the narrow street to another line of shops arranged in a 'U' formation like a cul-de-sac.  She wiped tears from her unhappily streaming Victorian eyes, and turned to the eerie green glow of _BATH AND BODY WORKS_ when she noticed a short (not to her, but to most humans) figure with brown hair staring at something sparkly.  "There you are, Beth!" she 'shouted' eagerly, running towards her midgety friend.  However, little did she suspect what had taken place inside that bastion of evil also known as a store.  After all, Jenn currently had no defense against the cruel sparkling power of the glitter; she'd even left her purse (stuffed with Victorian pornographic magazines and catalogues, naturally) behind.

Beth smiled, wishing to give the semblance of normalcy—the evilness slowly permeating her mind made her far more scheming than before—and shouted in her midgety voice, "Let's eat!  E-e-e-e-he-he!"  Jenn sighed thankfully and they headed back to Noodles, unaware of the ensuing war….

The aftermath turned out to be quite interesting.  Andy, whimpering and unable to leave the chair he'd taken inside Noodles & Co., sat there; he was blissfully unaware of all the strange stares the other patrons were giving him.  Or, rather, _had_ been giving him; most of the other customers had walked out when Beth had unleashed the first blast of glitter, causing Priya to pull out several weapons (mainly rubberbands), and Jenn to threaten death-by-purse, which (obviously) ended up in everybody dancing to the Oscar Mayer bologna song.


	3. The Council of AMC 30

The Council of AMC 30:

Only three people attended from the beginning: Jenn—who was still tempted to buy some glitter herself, Priya, who wanted to start another fight with her dangerous sprays-of-certain-death, and Andy, who was hoping for some good food and a chance to gloat about his gorgeously Percy-ish photograph (and of course, the other information on the license, mainly the height, which was sure to earn him a swift kick in the shins).  Jessica was expected later, along with Daniel B. (who only came in hopes of meeting Beth and showing off his "skill" with computers, which was mainly because he was too stupid to learn anything else) and Staci, that paragon of artistry, at least when compared with the rest of her highly lacking friends.

Jenn came bearing an enormous poster of Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas in half, and as a pirate in the other to offer the group.  Priya rolled her eyes and wondered about the best and most ravishingly evil way to destroy the thing, while Andy giggled girlishly as he slashed a 'sword' about on some cheap video game that could be played by anyone with an I.Q. of at least 20i squared.  Staci looked blankly at the wall for a minute, and remembered to pull out the plans for the deadly Midget Trap, which would hopefully release their formerly good midget friend from the clutches of the deadly glitter.

Jess snuck up behind Jenn, who was sighing longingly at the semi-ugly elf/pirate loser, and poked her.  Jenn squeaked loudly (at least for her), which set off a chain reaction of evil laughter from Priya, Jess, and Andy, and of course follow-up attempted pokes, repeated 'ni' included.  When Daniel finally showed up, he saw what he thought of as Beth's immature friends, and wondered if he could take the Charlie's Angels cardboard silhouette as a gift for her.  While no one was looking, he instead ripped an arm off of Lucy Liu and stuffed it inside a large sack he'd brought to steal computer parts with, causing him to not download the AMC database and give Beth free movie tickets for the next 87 years, 6 months, and 24 days.

"Why are we here?" Staci wondered out loud, trying to prevent the insanely giggling children from noticing that she was ticklish too.  Although she found Jenn's situation amusing, she highly doubted that she would want to end up in it too.  "Um…wouldn't Lifetime Fitness have been a better place to meet?"  Staci didn't know what had made her think of such an absurdly random thing, unless it were just an excuse to change locations before the friends had to go in and watch The Core.

Before anyone could say anything, Priya screamed, **_"ROCK CLIMBING!"_** and pushed everyone over to Lifetime, where they had a pleasurable hour climbing.  After Andy managed to convince himself that the auto belay wasn't going to kill him (the silly leprechaun had found his way to the top and now needed a method to reach the bottom that didn't involve scattering grey matter and brilliantly red blood all over the strange rubber-pieces-covered floor), the friends snuck into the clubhouse of Village Green, Priya's old apartment.  It actually wasn't that difficult; someone had managed to break the flimsy yellow-and-black striped gate off for the seventeenth time that month.  They had had to leave Daniel behind at AMC 30 because he was acting strange, but tied him up and made him promise to distract Beth so she wouldn't understand their plans to bring her back to normal.  After all, if Beth knew about the Midget Trap, then she would have been able to prepare herself to avoid it.  Not thinking of what the friends' real mission was, Daniel was almost overeager to perform this job; he planned to show Beth the arm he'd taken from one of Charlie's Angels, but his mother came and picked him up before Beth showed up.  He was quickly shut in his room, bribed by the lure of having a new, faster computer with software that produced pickup lines for every occasion.  It wouldn't hurt to have a backup plan in case Beth didn't have the time to download the 34,992 songs Dan had found supposedly describing their "relationship".

In the meantime, the friends had started to plan out Staci's trap, discussing what materials they would use for the chainsaw, butcher knife, and Samara poster.  "Guys…why don't we just use a chainsaw, butcher knife, and Samara poster?" Andy asked exasperatedly, trembling with the fear that some of the guys at Wheaton-Warrenville South would come in and notice that he was hanging out with a bunch of girls, even if some of them were actually more violent than most men with criminal's syndrome.  Priya, Jess, and Staci were on their 400th round of pool, with no intentions to stop although the cue ball had taken a leave of absence and there were no sticks in sight.  Staci suddenly turned around, being the first to notice that Andy hadn't left a long time ago, and nearly stepped on Jenn, who had been sneaking a quick look at the Victorian Maxim's _2003 Bare Ankle Calendar_ and who quickly stuffed it inside her purse, accidentally bending one of the precious ankles (when she finally noticed what had happened, Jenn re-ordered the magazine, inadvertently funding Priya's mission to gorify all Victorian pornographic magazines; there was nothing like dead bodies on every page to really impress people, in Priya's rather twisted opinion).

Jess looked up from throwing a red ball at the 8-ball (she was actually trying to sink a blue ball) and said with wide, horrified eyes, "But that's too easy!  I mean, like, there's nothing remotely entertaining about an actual chainsaw and a butcher knife—or even a Samara poster!"

Priya's eyes glinted evilly in a very un-glittery sort of way.  "Why don't we just, um, dress Andy up as Samara?  That should work even better than a poster, and I'm sure Andy would enjoy it!"  Andy snorted and clearly indicated no, this was not the sort of thing he'd like to spend summer break doing—wearing women's clothing and long hair just wasn't on Andy's to-do list.  "If you do this, we'll let you, like, gloat about your driver's license," Priya bribed.  Andy sighed.  Well, it would be an excellent chance to brag, even if his parents assumed he was homosexual; they were beginning to doubt his heterosexuality after he came home smelling like a fruitcake….

"Back to business," Jenn 'shouted' in her squeaky little voice, somehow managing to catch everybody's (even Priya's, although she was laying out plans to take over the larger part of Asia) attention.  Some of those Victorian tricks with an open fan could really draw attention.  "Does anyone know about the, um, evil weapon of Beth's choice?"  Jenn shuddered slightly, unable to imagine something so horrifyingly…well…evil.

Andy flushed, making his freckles nearly disappear.  "I—I found one on the floor…after…you know…".  Everyone gasped.  Andy with an unbroken glitter bottle?!  Oh well, stranger things had probably happened before.  Or maybe they hadn't—it wasn't really relevant at the moment.  Shaking slightly, Andy pulled on a rubber glove that had somehow materialized out of one of his pockets and drew _it_ out of a Bath and Body Works bag he had in one of his other voluminous pockets.

Everyone gasped again, enthralled by the sparkling of the object Andy held in his hand.  The glass bottle contained millions of tiny and extremely shiny green-blue-purple-pink particles, which looked as if they desperately needed rolling on to someone's skin.  Jenn, the first to recover from this magical sight, shook her head to clear her vision, and had to slap the other two girls.  Priya screamed, horrified at being taken away from something shiny, but thought about the makeup part and shuddered, imagining the forces that had perverted shininess into some evil creation.  She actually was suffering inner turmoil; on one hand, it was makeup, but on the other hand, it was shiny, but it was used to _decorate people's faces_, but it was such an effective weapon…and so on.

Staci made a face at the immature little midget children and proceeded to improve her drawing.  Jess, who still hadn't heard the full details of the Danada incident, poked Andy, nearly eliciting an overtly girly squeak from him, and demanded information.  Andy sighed, but acquiesced to tell his sad story.  For some reason, Jess hadn't chose to poke Priya (perhaps it was the look in her eyes as she imagined Orlando Bloom's violent murder), nor had she poked Jenn (maybe because Jenn looked so confused over why she still existed), nor had she poked Staci (then again, Staci _was_ staring at a picture of Mana, her favorite transvestite rock star…).

No, it really didn't make much sense as to why Jess had chosen to demand information from Andy, although maybe she just enjoyed tormenting oversized leprechauns.  Andy had been trying to surreptitiously sneak a few cookies from a gleaming black tray on the granite counter near the small kitchen without drawing the girls'—who would definitely end up on deadly sugar highs—attention.  The way they were behaving might have tipped Andy off that they'd already had sugar, but he was too befuddled by the concept of a fireplace, kitchen, exercise center, pool table, and management office all in one location to question anything else at the moment.  Either way, he commenced to describe the fateful events that had set the scene for the War of the Glitters.


End file.
